Should friends approve of the ex marking the spot?

Dear Bowl of Rice,

Alright, got a question...it's a stumper.

How do you tell your friends you have gotten back together with an ex, whom they weren't very fond of, but you know that you've made the right decision?

Hmm.

Dear Hmm.,

Friends have the best of intentions, usually. They try to protect us, and tend to see things in other people that we may not want to see. There are many past relationships that I have had that ended in disaster, and I really wish I had taken my friends opinions into consideration regarding those losers.

However... sometimes we just HAVE to go through something, and we know it. Even if it ends up being a painful lesson, those tend to be the ones we learn the most from for some horrible reason.

And maybe, just maybe, enough time has passed between you and your ex that the timing is actually right now, and this is a good thing and it is meant to be. Well, my dear, if that's the case, and this man is worth a damn, then let him work to earn your friend's approval. And if he's not interested in doing this? Well, then you know they were right all along.

Sincerely,
Bowl of Rice

Desperate times call for no measures...

Dear Bowl of Rice Advice,

What do you do when your ex won't talk to you after she dumped you via txt msg? Especially when the day before she did that, she said with apparent sincerity in her heart "I love you". We need to talk, or at least I do, and she won't reply to my msg's. I know she's hurting and I at least want to know she's ok.

Hope you've got some good advice on this one, cos I'm stumped, and desperate for her communication.


Dear Desperate,

I'm sorry you are going through this. I know every bone in your body feels the right thing to do is communicate with this woman. You may feel like if you could just talk with her, golden things would flow from your mouth to fix everything.

Stop.

Sit on your hands, hide your cell phone, deprogram her number if needed. Become very very occupied with anything you can come up with. Ask one of your friends to be your sponsor in this if needed. Because the very last thing you should do is try to force or demand communication if she needs space.

Even pushing communication for the best intentions puts pressure on her, and could likely show her that you are as desperate as you are feeling right now. She obviously can not handle the emotion of this situation for some reason, which she is demonstrating by breaking up with you via text. Women are not attracted to desperation at all. Give her space, freedom, and respect to follow her wishes at this time. You will not only save your dignity, you might even save your relationship.

Sincerely,
Bowl of Rice

Dear Deer.....

Dear Bowl-of-Rice,

How do you fight that awkward "run into the ex" moment? I sometimes think I handle it well, but I've been told, despite my smile, it looks like I'm watching puppies being killed. Help.


Dear Deer-in-the-headlights,

This is actually some very good advice my mother gave me recently:
You are making this person too big, too powerful over your life and your reactions to them show it. A great way to put them in perspective, or cut them down to size is with a little activity.

Draw a picture of your ex. Use crazy colors and big sharpies and let out all your angst in this cartoonish drawing; really let your emotions out. When finished, cut out the figure of your ex, and crumple them up into a tiny ball. Then, put this ball in a ziploc bag and put a little water in it. Then put it in the freezer, and leave it there.

This may sound like voodoo, but its not. The next time you see your ex, simply remind yourself: "Why you are just a crumpled up frozen little ball in my freezer. You have absolutely no power over me." And then just walk on wit yo bad self.

Sincerely,
Bowl-of-Rice

Unappreciated?

Dear Bowl,

I feel like I'm always there for people and go out of my way to make sure people are happy/comfortable, where is everyone when I need someone?


Dear Unappreciated,

I would suggest starting an advice blog; it really helps with the instant gratification thing in situations like this...

See, this feeling you are having: it is a Universal theme Ive come to realize. Everyone I know feels this way, so some of us have to be wrong, right? Well, yes and no.

A few things come into play here, the first being the concept of "love languages". Different people express their love in different ways, some with gifts, some with quality time, some with service. When our love languages don't add up, we can feel abandoned and neglected, when really it is a communication problem.

Another concept is the pace of today's society. Everyone is so stinkin' busy. Slights like this are normally not intentional, its just a timing conundrum.

Yet another part of the equation has to do with the fact that some people are just more capable than others. Some people have bigger hearts and better time management skills and more compassion. Feel blessed instead of cursed by this. Make sure to take care of yourself as well as you do your friends and family, and take good stock of what you are able to do for others with respect to your own life and health.

And then there is the best advice Ive ever been given on this matter. It is very simple: "Trust God and Love People". Without getting all preachy, this means that people are going to let you down. They are going to disappoint you. Love them anyway. But put your Trust in a place you can always count on.

I hope this helps, I feel like I was writing a letter to myself at the same time.

Sincerely,
Bowl-of-Rice

Turnabout IS fair play, but.......

Dear BOR,
I am having a situation with, for lack of a better term that is socially acceptable, a dumb ass BOY. He seems to have a knack for ignoring my requests to leave me alone. Insisting that I want him and should give him anything he wants when he wants it (nudge nudge wink wink) ya...that.

I have gone as far as telling him I am engaged to be married and that he disgusts me. But, it never fails that he will pop up in my e-mail or on my IM with some silly question about my status or my photo to weasel his way into a hostile converation that includes sexual innuendo on his part. I have deleted him from everything and have even deleted myself, but he's a hacker stalker...he finds me everywhere.
HELP!!! I know he's not in the country at this time, but he will return and continue the relentless smarminess. What does a girl have to do???

Smarm Hater

Dear Smarm Hater,

I have a little experience with this situation. I'm almost surprised that I live to tell the tail of the infamous "four fingered man" who stalked me for quite some time after some under the influence affections we shared one evening. I could not shake that appendage missing Deuce Bigalow lookalike for what felt like ages. I ignored phone calls and even a very creepy love letter he brought to my place of employment. Eventually either he stopped, or I moved away, I'm not sure which came first. But, my sister and I are still curious if he was involved in a small fire in our apartment that occurred around that time.

I would love to tell you that turnabout is fair play: stalk HIM! Call him constantly. Call him at home and work incessantly! Act like you have finally fallen in love with him and want him to father several children of yours and you want marriage immediately! Smother him until he remembers he is a GUY and doesn't like this kind of attention and runs for the hills!

However: THERE ARE PSYCHOS IN THIS WORLD! And you have you and your loved ones to consider. Block every way he contacts you, alert the authorities and follow their advice in handling him. If you tell him not to contact him anymore and he does, that is considered harassment and a job for the feds. Don't take any chances!

Sincerely,
Bowl-of-Rice

She's comin out....

Dear Bowl-of-Rice,
I have been with my partner for 6 years and though my core family
knows accepts and loves my partner my external family has their
suspicions but no confirmation of me being a lesbian and with my
partner. My mom requested I keep this from my grandmother and
external family and has just recently stated she is OK with me coming
out. I have decided to do it!! I am visiting my grandmother in a few
months and was wondering if you had any advise as to how I should go
about in starting the conversation. Should my mother be there?
Should it be in public, private? How should I start the conversation?
A note about my grandmother... She is from WV my family is
traditionally very conservative and VERY VERY black and white, what is
wrong is wrong and being gay is one of those things thats is wrong.

Dear Comin' Out...
Its very hard to give people information that they don't want to hear, no matter what the issue is. We all form our ideals and concepts of what life is supposed to look like for ourselves and our loved ones from our upbringing, religion, and culture. People who are notoriously traditional and conservative are the way they are because they truly believe it is the right way to live. Actually, pretty much everyone is this way: we all do what we believe to be right at all times.

I have a lot of problems personally with many of my more conservative friends; I have many wonderful friendships with Gay and Lesbian people, and I feel a consistent need to protect and defend them, because I love them. From my belief standpoint as a Christian, I do not believe it is my job to judge them, only to love them. And while your grandmother may not feel this way, please remind yourself that she has no religious right to judge you either.

I think that a one on one conversation with your grandmother in as neutral a territory as possible would be the best choice. Have your mother nearby for support if needed, but you don't want to make your grandmother feel ganged up on. You want her to see you for who you always have been and always will be: her lovely granddaughter whom she loves. Unconditionally.

Sincerely,
Bowl-of-Rice

ps. An alternative is to do a dramatic coming out like one of my gay friends did with his dad: He jumped out of the closet of his dad's bedroom one evening and yelled "GUESS WHAT?!!"

Put a Muzzle on Your Probs...

So, the neighbors have a Boxer next door that begins barking at 4 in the morning and wakes me up. I think they let it out to go pee, and don't let it back in. Why doesn't it wake its @$%#$ owners up? Anyway, what should I do? I just want to feed it chocolate. Lots and lots of delicious chocolate.

Thanks,
Sleepless

Dear Sleepless,

I think this video will show you clearly how to handle your problem, as well as another loud interfering noise that I am aware is in your life currently.

Enjoy!

Sincerely,
Bowl-of-Rice